My Time Out

Its been a long time hasn't it? Well, I have lots to share with you all.

First off, I am doing fine, thank you. I have been in recovery for a broken back. That's right - I took a tumble down the stairs in October of 2015, crash landed into my mahogany hope chest and then took off the next day to Montreal. I knew something was off, but I thought hey, it will pass. Well, it only grew worse. By January of 2016, I was having steady, unbearable back pain. I finally gave in and went to the doctor in February. His diagnosis - broken vertebrae.

The fall had fractured my T10-L1 connection. The fracture had collapsed, leaving me in excruciating pain. I was not a candidate for fusion surgery. All I could do was to stay off my feet and allow my body to heal itself. Great. I spent the next 10 months flat on my back. I cried from the pain, but more because of my anger - why me? I cried in frustration at not being able to work at anything. And I cried because how unfair this was, what did I do wrong, why is this happening to me? Why me? Talk about having a lesson in self discipline and introspection.

We had to stop all our Vodou services, since I could barely walk or stand. Not being able to sit meant no writing, no drawing, painting or sewing. All I could do was take pain killers and sleep. So, that's what I did.

When I was awake, I'd meditate, cry, then sleep. For 10 long months. Bodhi kept me company. Don fed me. Chelsea came over to help. And I very, Very, VERY slowly began to heal. I went from using a walker to get around, to using a cane to walk, to finally becoming strong enough to walk my own two feet. Hooray! By January of 2017, my back was strong enough to start physical therapy to help my body rebuild. October of 2017, I was strong enough to drive myself to PT, and do the occasional grocery shopping. I was a long way from perfect, but I was also a long way from where I began in 2 years prior. And a couple of amazing things happened along the way.

When all you can do is think, you get to process all your stuff - the good, the bad and the ugly. I went through the five stages of grief (because I was grieving my broken back) - denial, anger, frustration, depression, and acceptance. And its not a linear experience. Some days I felt all five, while on others just one would dominate. But through it all I also had one additional emotion over and over again. Gratitude.

I was grateful for this time out. It taught me to be thankful for all I had, like Don doing the laundry,  taking care of the shopping, feeding the dogs, feeding me and taking me to endless rounds of appointments.

I was grateful for the dogs, who didn't seem to mind my stinky self when I couldn't shower, or who kissed all my tears away when I was crying. For Bodhisattva who lay with me, kissing my face and watching me with worried eyes. For Uriel, who came in laughing every day, kissed me and then ran off before Bodhi could chase him.

I am grateful to Chelsea for vacuuming the house, bringing me dinner, and offering hugs, gossip and her lovely smile.

And most importantly, I was grateful for the Spirits. My time out showed me that I didn't need to be planning and hosting huge fets for them, They were still here with me, despite my severely limited ability to serve them. And it showed me that my teachings were correct. Even small efforts were greatly rewarded.

I am doing all my creative activities again - writing, sewing, painting. My godkids picked up the flag of service work, and are marching forward with it. And I have a new book about to come out. I am so grateful for my broken back. I know that sounds odd, but truthfully, I was the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland, running like mad and getting nowhere. Now, when I do something, I do it with real intent. I don't take on more than I can do, and I say 'no' more often than not these days. And guess what? Nobody gets offended, the Spirits accept their simply cup of coffee and the World keeps turning. How wonderful is that?

I'll be writing again regularly here. But in the meantime, I hear my embroidery calling me. Please excuse me, but my creative demon has a couple of years to catch up on!

Ayibobo Papa Legba, for opening the door to my healing. Ashe!