So why do I always feel like I am not doing enough? I just read a blog by someone I follow. He's speaking at colleges, running an on-line class (52 classes, one each week - yikes!). And he's got not one but two blogs and a forum! When does he eat and sleep? I often wonder of this is what I should be doing, instead of painting spirit art and running after three energetic dogs all day. Another friend is running a botannica, directing a large community center for healing arts and still has time to host a vodou service every Saturday night. EVERY Saturday. She makes me feel like a slug...(and she's the same age as me..I feel even more like a slug.)
I do my best, but it seems its never quite enough. I write this blog, I record songs, I've written two books and I have two more in the works (so as to take advantage of my initiate's offer to edit while on sabbatical from her real job); and of course, the ever present nudging of spirit to paint, sculpt and create for them. I feel like I am behind the 8 ball all the time.
But then, this morning as I did my Lenten prayers, I had a small epiphany. This is what I am supposed to be doing. Some of us minister to the greater public with classes, lead large services and build strong centers where folks can find their place in the world. It seems that I fall in the other camp. I lead a small group, I minister to solo individuals, and I try to help folks one on one find themselves. Niether is better than the other. And both have their purpose in the world.
My mediation this morning was numinous. I felt Legba's presence in a solid, golden way. His energy was pulsating, brilliant and smooth. He gently laid his head upon mine and not so much spoke, as thought into my own mind. The response was personal and gave me great insight. I now know where I am to go and why. The clarity is comforting.As I work through these forty days, I am amazed at the energy that has built. People said Saturday night, the Lwa's presence was strong and palatable. Partly because we've not gathered in several months. And partly due to me performing this daily exercise. After all, I am the Poto Mitan of this house. The spirits that move here, dance in my head. They reflect like diamonds onto the house membership, but they come through me and my filters. As I've worked through these days of prayer and silence, I feel deeply connected to the Lwa. And They fill me with energy and love.
The works calls to me and I must go to refill my containers of water and assemble my paint supplies. Today, I work on a special commission for a client. I will give my hands to spirit. Let them guide me in making art that speaks to their purposes and desires. It seems to be the more fulfilling way. And the art speaks for itself.
Mi di twa Pater, twa Ave Maria....
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